Mind Over Food

Everything could change in a moment, I've never had such an easy time losing weight. However, I've never felt enjoyment when a hunger pain hit. It's weird how I feel so happy when my body is so confused. LOL. It's screaming for food and soda and I have this little evil laugh in my head. Mom says it's probably that I've made up my mind. LOL.

I do alot more journaling. LOL. When I go through Bueno and order 1 potato burrito and water, my body starts flipping out but I have to think through it. LOL. I've starting getting alot of newletters on eating and weightloss and mental/emotional ties to food. I guess I'm learning to not use food to fix my problems. Haven't had hardly any cheese and been eating alot of veggies which I can't stand. When you are eating stuff you don't like, it's not so hard to cut back I guess.

Right now my stomache is screaming in pain, I'm nauseous and lunch isn't quite finished and I had 1 package of Brown Sugar Oatmeal for breakfast, it's long gone and I'm hungry but I will not eat until lunch is ready. But I feel good about punishing my body, where did all this come from??? I've never felt quite this way before. Strange.

One of my big struggles has been with food portions in what I'm eating. I'm not withholding anything, if I like it I can eat it but it's about portion control. It's my money so used to I would go through a fast food line and order anything I wanted, alot of the time I hated myself, just felt like I had to exist in the world until I died, didn't see any future for myself. So I didn't care, I was sad, depressed at times, lonely, hurting emotionally and mentally and wasn't finding a solution to my pain, so I would eat. Food never told me I was fat or ugly or anything of that sort. It always told me I was important, I had that one area of life where I could do as I pleased.

Eating in my car so no one could see, not going into restaurants because I didn't want them to judge what or how much I ate and hiding who I really am. I have to give the thanks to God because He is helping me every step of the way, couldn't do it without His help!!!

My prayer of late has been to be who and what He wants me to be, it that is fat and single, it will be hard, I won't understand but I trust Him. If it's to be a healthier happier me, I trust Him. He has control, that is a hard thing to give up!!! To be happy and content and satisfied with who I am and what I am becoming through Christ. It's so funny to look back at the unhappy me and compare to the me of today. Such a change and a good change.