Start of Week 5

OK, so it's another week to work my fanny off. LOL. No really I am, Hahah.

I weigh twice a day, I like to see the ups and downs of weight flucuation. This morning I was 223.8. Now I haven't seen that weight in many years. I'm so happy. Tonight I could be higher but the last few days I LOST weight during the day so talk about happy. LOL.

I am pushing myself so hard in working out. I am beginning to see that is the key. Walking will drop a little weight slowly but surely and I still enjoy walking and jogging but it's my real workouts that are doing the work. I do 20reps of anything I can think of. I don't use weights or resistance tubes etc in the morning, I do front, side and back leg lifts. Toe touches, jumping jacks, twist (washing machine), I don't know what it is called but a torso angle twist. Shoulder rolls front and backwards and converted pushups. I do 20 of each one and it works. At night I pull out the weights and do my aerobic stepping.

I feel great and my clothes are fitting so good. I looked around recently at people I know that were losing weight and they have put it back on. I don't want to be that way. I am hoping the changes I am making I can keep for the rest of my life. So I can be the happiest and healthiest me.

I can't wait until I've lost my weight, then I can be anything I want to be. You can't be pushed aside for being fat anymore.

Do you know the biggest majority of people that are obese have some type of inner struggle. It's true. The reasons we overeat usually aren't accidental. Even though I was always a chubby child. When I was 14-15 my Dad was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis which is a disease that falls under the MDA umbrella. I became suicidal because I was afraid, that my dad would die. I turned to food. Then when I was in high school we opened a Burger place and it was hard work. The stress from running that, working part time at a dentist office and going go school drug me down until I had a emotional breakdown over a dropped tray. I lost it and the one comfort I had was food and plenty of it, HELLO, we owned a restuarant. It isn't excuses for my bad behavior with food it just shows that it's that easy.

One thing I've been learning from the Biggest Loser is that our emotions and feelings will cause us to be afraid. It's true. Sometimes it is scary, no one knows the skinnier Taniss. By losing weight and refusing to let my emotions direct my eating habits there is fear that all the feelings I have so carefully hidden inside will be exposed. I'm not one to work through my hurt I just store it away and try to ignore the pain. It works until the place where you have no emotions. It's a sad place to be, very lonely. However, things can happen in life that will rip open your carefully hidden emotions and expose them to life and that hurt is crazy.

I didn't understand why I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I fight depression and I know how real mental illnesses can be, our family has that history. But I never dreamed that amidst the world of health and fitness I would have to deal with guilt, resentment, anger, fear, sadness all the things I've stored away. I could cover it all up by being fat and no one cared. Now, I'm having to face things I don't know how to get through but I can believe with hard work and God by my side we can do this.

Don't let you fears hold you back from being the healthiest you, you can be!!!