Changes Are Required!!!

No details but I made a boatload of changes in my life end of 2013. By boatload, I mean, BOATLOAD!!! LOL. However, crazy they all seemed to be to everyone, including myself sometimes they were all necessary!!! Today only 17 days into 2014 I'm down 6lbs. I went to the doctor 15 days ago at my highest weight ever and I had been making much better choices but stress was killing me. I reduced stress in my life in several areas and in 15 days I'm down 6lbs. I'm so happy!!!

Yes, God is helping me!!! Yes, my eating is better!!! Yes, I'm much more active because I'm constantly moving around the house!!! YES, my BP is down, actually running low alot of the time!!! I feel like I'm gaining a closer relationship with God!!! Do I regret any of my decisions??? NOPE!!!

I don't know what the future will throw at me but for today I'm healthier and feel better than I have in months, maybe years. LOL. I'm happy, smiling, my family says my whole personality has changed!!! We shall see what tomorrow holds.

Until then...

Shades of Hope - Filling The Void

So after watching a episode of Extreme Weightloss where they sent the girl to Shades of Hope. I went to Shades of Hope website to see what it was and it's a Addiction Recovery Center. The book ad on the right caught my eye because it said Shades of Hope: How To Treat Your Addiction To Food. Lately I've been really trying to get real with myself and with God because I can "fool" others and I can convince myself I'm OK and not doing anything wrong. Yet I'm not fooling God, He sees this little sin I deal with daily. So I purchased the book. Now time to read it. When food is your drug it controls you. I don't eat to live I eat because someone hurt my feelings, I eat because I can't deal with the stress in my life. You get the drift. So if you dare join me on my journey of breaking this control over my life. (With God's help)/

Here are a few things that jumped out at me in the 1st chapter, Filling The Void

People with food addiction.

• They hide out of shame, believing that if they were to shine the light on their own truths, they wouldn't be able to bear it. They think the pain would kill them, so they eat the pain away instead. They are unable to see that they were born absolutely perfect, and deserving of all the love and care the world has to offer.

Oh how I know this. I know what the shame of being overweight will do to you. It leads you to believe people are judging you and looking down on you if you are overweight and eat because that is what you believe of condemn yourself with so you hide. You don't eat in front of others because "they will think you are a big fat cow, you take your food somewhere, you can hide and no one can see or judge yet that creates stress and you will overeat because the food is your "medication".

Some of the things people have said to me concerning my weight that have cut so deep. "You would have such a pretty face if you would just lose the weight." So my face isn't pretty because it's not skinny. "It's just food" Wrong!!! To me it's a way to dull the pain inside of me. People don't realize those well intentioned comments just make a bad problem worse. I already medicated & drug myself with my food, the reaction to those comments are.... more food. The vicious cycle.

• But it wasn't "just food". It's never just food. Food filled me from the deepest part of my soul, allowing me the peace and serenity I assumed other lived in effortlessly.
• Food addicts are often also codependents, having perfected the act of pretending that there is nothing wrong. They're all smiles working out of their most passive characteristics, always asking, "Can I help you, please? What can I do for you?"

Here are a few questions I must ask myself

• Do you consider yourself valuable? Do you value yourself less than or more than other people? Describe you self-esteem and how you exhibit self-love.  I do not see myself as valuable I've learned in my life I'm disposable. People will make promises to you and never fulfill them. They will leave  you high and dry and never look back. I have almost NO self-esteem and to show myself I love ME, I eat, I give myself treats to make up for my pain.
• Are you vulnerable - either too much or not enough? Do you have issues protecting yourself, and do you become resentful at others' behaviors?  Yes! & Double Yes!! LOL. When people begin to verbally hurt me or "attack" me I don't have the power inside to stand up against it.
• Have you been known for being "bad" or rebellious, or have you been committed to becoming perfect, the good girl or boy in your family or life? How are these behaviors related to and reflected in your spirituality? Does your faith correspond or conflict with them?  I have never been a rebellious person, even in my teens. I've always been the one that didn't push the limits and the rules. I was always the "Goody Two Shoes". Even in relation to God whatever leaders told me the rules are for God and church, I tried to obey them. I don't want to let other down with my stupidity.
• Are you too dependent on other people or are you too independent? Do you fear you are dependent on other things - substances like food, alcohol, drugs or nicotine? Do you use shopping/spending or relationships to shape your identity?  I am probably trying to be too overly independent on some areas and extremely dependent in others. I do you things to shape my identity. I am pretty sure I'm dependent on food & caffiene. LOL.
• Do  you consider yourself mature or have you struggled with the idea that you are immature? Do you self-punish over loss of control, believing that by managing your life you prove your maturity  Do you have issues with moderation or intimacy - unsure of how to create whole and healthy boundaries in your life?  I do struggle with feeling like I never really grew up, like everyone still controls me and tells me what to do. I feel like others can tell and judge me being immature. I feel like I have no control in my life except in the food area and I emotionally and mentally punish myself over it. I feel like if I gained control in EVERY area maybe then I would be mature and "grown up". Moderation is hard for me, very few areas to I have that conquered. I'm also reading Bounderies so I'm learning to set boundaries for myself hopefully.

Lights Coming On

So I struggle with food and my weight. Kinda sad when you can do or not do everything/anything you want and something like food can control every part of you. Since I'm not a super human that can be perfect (how nice would that be?) I'm still struggling. Gotta get me a new scale, someone gave me a "used one" Looks quite old but it never changes. LOL. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so I will know then where I am weight wise. I'm going to be so discouraged if it says I've gained weight, I've been doing pretty good on my eating & calories and exercising so crossing my fingers it translates into positive, I'm sorta used to it thought being bad, work hard at it and gain weight or barely lose.

I've been watching Extreme Weight Loss online (hulu.com) and Chris Powell intrigues me and his wife for that matter. They work people hard but it works, I did some research on them and discovered they encourage "CarbCycling" So I read several different places & then bought his 1st book. I'm starting that now and I'm struck by how he writes, hilarious because his writing is like you watch him. Funny.

So I had never heard of carb cycling, I am about to take a stab at it. Low Carbs one day and High Carbs the next tricks your body. The eating 5 times a day may trip me up a little. Heidi says you can't decide what you will eat every 3 hours (who has time for that?). So let's see what happens. LOL. I'm sure I will let you know shortly. HAHA

Vacation & Back To Health Again

Well, we went on vacation and now we are back. Enough said. LOL. I'm still working on cutting back my foods and I'm starting to add a little exercise in and more water.

I'm trying to cut back my caffiene but that is HARD!!!

Rescheduled my doctors appt for a couple weeks out so I'm going to try and work hard to surprise him at what I've done. Not going to be easy because I don't handle stress well and work-related stress is out the roof!!!!!!!! Then add everyday and stupid stuff and my body is in shock before we begin discussing my horrible eating habits.

Tomorrow starts a new try AGAIN, sort of. I'm going to do cereal in the mornings and something small for lunch & dinner. Lots of water and I'm not making any promises BUT, I'm gonna start trying to get out there and walk/jog again. 3-4 years ago I dropped 28lbs doing that. Just me and my tunes and water. LOL.

Sigh...

Been Quiet Lately

So I've not had much time to sit down and post on any of my blogs, my online social life has been failing I'm sure. LOL. How sad!!! However, I've been busy, our family has had alot of stuff going on.

Just a quick update, I was at the doctor 4 months ago and I was down 5lbs, he wasn't thrilled but he was glad to see my weight down, PERIOD. He said work harder, I've been making changes, not going overboard, but I feel good about it, I can't wait for the end of this month to get here, I get to see according to his scales what I weigh and then my birthday!!! LOL.

Clothes are fitting better and I've been branching out on flavor and have found there are some really good chicken sandwiches out there!!! Plus, I've totally shrunk my tummy I guess because I try to not overeat. Eat until I fill full and stop. I can eat leftovers later OR I'll get more later. LOL.

Until the 26th!!!

Plugging Along... Still

Guess what??? I'm still on a semi good track. LOL. Been cutting way back and doing some dancercize.  Just keeping on trying. I don't do so good one day, I just wake up tomorrow and try to do better. Counting calories and drinking Spark from Advocare. I was down 5lbs as of the beginning of April/maybe end of March??? In July I go back to the doctor and I'll see how I'm doing then. Hopefully down several more pounds!!!

Wish me luck!!!

Week Two...

Ugh, so last week I did good until Thursday and started having issues with my heart and really thought I was working up to a heart attack. Scared me bad so I stopped my diet regime and just went to normal life and everything ended up normal. Doctor said it was anxiety mixed with all the changes I made in my diet, etc. So I took 3-4 days off and I'm back on again.

I have had alot going and work brings alot of stress some days. So we shall see what happens tomorrow. Just going to keep getting back up, LOL.