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Monday, September 16, 2013

Shades of Hope - Filling The Void

So after watching a episode of Extreme Weightloss where they sent the girl to Shades of Hope. I went to Shades of Hope website to see what it was and it's a Addiction Recovery Center. The book ad on the right caught my eye because it said Shades of Hope: How To Treat Your Addiction To Food. Lately I've been really trying to get real with myself and with God because I can "fool" others and I can convince myself I'm OK and not doing anything wrong. Yet I'm not fooling God, He sees this little sin I deal with daily. So I purchased the book. Now time to read it. When food is your drug it controls you. I don't eat to live I eat because someone hurt my feelings, I eat because I can't deal with the stress in my life. You get the drift. So if you dare join me on my journey of breaking this control over my life. (With God's help)/

Here are a few things that jumped out at me in the 1st chapter, Filling The Void

People with food addiction.

  • They hide out of shame, believing that if they were to shine the light on their own truths, they wouldn't be able to bear it. They think the pain would kill them, so they eat the pain away instead. They are unable to see that they were born absolutely perfect, and deserving of all the love and care the world has to offer.
Oh how I know this. I know what the shame of being overweight will do to you. It leads you to believe people are judging you and looking down on you if you are overweight and eat because that is what you believe of condemn yourself with so you hide. You don't eat in front of others because "they will think you are a big fat cow, you take your food somewhere, you can hide and no one can see or judge yet that creates stress and you will overeat because the food is your "medication".

Some of the things people have said to me concerning my weight that have cut so deep. "You would have such a pretty face if you would just lose the weight." So my face isn't pretty because it's not skinny. "It's just food" Wrong!!! To me it's a way to dull the pain inside of me. People don't realize those well intentioned comments just make a bad problem worse. I already medicated & drug myself with my food, the reaction to those comments are.... more food. The vicious cycle.

  • But it wasn't "just food". It's never just food. Food filled me from the deepest part of my soul, allowing me the peace and serenity I assumed other lived in effortlessly.
  • Food addicts are often also codependents, having perfected the act of pretending that there is nothing wrong. They're all smiles working out of their most passive characteristics, always asking, "Can I help you, please? What can I do for you?"

Here are a few questions I must ask myself

  • Do you consider yourself valuable? Do you value yourself less than or more than other people? Describe you self-esteem and how you exhibit self-love.  I do not see myself as valuable I've learned in my life I'm disposable. People will make promises to you and never fulfill them. They will leave  you high and dry and never look back. I have almost NO self-esteem and to show myself I love ME, I eat, I give myself treats to make up for my pain.
  • Are you vulnerable - either too much or not enough? Do you have issues protecting yourself, and do you become resentful at others' behaviors?  Yes! & Double Yes!! LOL. When people begin to verbally hurt me or "attack" me I don't have the power inside to stand up against it.
  • Have you been known for being "bad" or rebellious, or have you been committed to becoming perfect, the good girl or boy in your family or life? How are these behaviors related to and reflected in your spirituality? Does your faith correspond or conflict with them?  I have never been a rebellious person, even in my teens. I've always been the one that didn't push the limits and the rules. I was always the "Goody Two Shoes". Even in relation to God whatever leaders told me the rules are for God and church, I tried to obey them. I don't want to let other down with my stupidity.
  • Are you too dependent on other people or are you too independent? Do you fear you are dependent on other things - substances like food, alcohol, drugs or nicotine? Do you use shopping/spending or relationships to shape your identity?  I am probably trying to be too overly independent on some areas and extremely dependent in others. I do you things to shape my identity. I am pretty sure I'm dependent on food & caffiene. LOL.
  • Do  you consider yourself mature or have you struggled with the idea that you are immature? Do you self-punish over loss of control, believing that by managing your life you prove your maturity  Do you have issues with moderation or intimacy - unsure of how to create whole and healthy boundaries in your life?  I do struggle with feeling like I never really grew up, like everyone still controls me and tells me what to do. I feel like others can tell and judge me being immature. I feel like I have no control in my life except in the food area and I emotionally and mentally punish myself over it. I feel like if I gained control in EVERY area maybe then I would be mature and "grown up". Moderation is hard for me, very few areas to I have that conquered. I'm also reading Bounderies so I'm learning to set boundaries for myself hopefully.

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