Can not believe it's been so long since I've posted anything. LOL. How sad. LOL. For me!!
Had a really bad month or so. I know what triggers my depression and anxiety but not much I can do to control others actions in our home. So go figure.
So I struggle with a Social Disorder and sometimes I can do ANYTHING and other times I struggle to just leave my house. It's something that God and I are having to work on everyday. To be able to walk into a public place and hold my head high, no reason not to do so other than fear. Fear of rejection, not fitting in, failure and my biggest fear lonliness. I'm very shy and not pushy and I know what it is like to be somewhere surrounded by people and be utterly alone. About the time I quit posting I drove by myself to the gym I'm a member of alone, parked started putting on my workout shoes, looked in my mirror and the gym was full and very busy. I just froze, the fear washed over me and I had been doing soooooo good. I busted out crying and just sat there until I got control and then called my Mom and cried all the way home. It is an unrational fear and one in my head I think it's sooo stupid but I couldn't or wouldn't push through the chest pains and anxiety attack that would follow.
So I went home, didn't go to the gym for over 3 weeks, ate horrible and put my weight back on. Depression and exhaustion follows and so I work, eat and sleep. I didn't really say much about it to anyone until a family email we have that all my aunts and cousins, mom, sister in law etc is linked to had a good natured though a little stingy conversation going on about having your own Christmas with your kids only and no guilt. I had a bad day and it just hit where it really hurts inside (being 32 and single no kids) and I fell into a darkness and after a few days of just existing I called my brother. He is the one that will listen not judge me and will encourage me and try to get through to me. I know when I'm desperate he is there for me. SOooooo, we talked and he started pushing me to get out of my house and face the world. So I did. Tiffany and I went to a overly crowded Toys R Us and I went to the mall 2x this past weekend. Tiffany has calling to get me to go to the gym and I went last week. It felt really good too!!!
